the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
