i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
