Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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