I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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