his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
