i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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