Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
