I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
