I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
