i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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