My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i've created a new STD.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
