So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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