wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize