The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
