I need to stop coming to work sober
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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