Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Where is the hickey?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
