I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize