There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
