She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
