I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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