we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
