like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
