remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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