our cab driver is having phone sex.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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