Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
