Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
