My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So much rum. So many feels.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
