The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
