my vag is so smooth its legendary
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
