maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
