Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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