I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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