Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
