I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
