i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish you could order shots online.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
