just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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