I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
