omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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