I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
