If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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