In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
