soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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