if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
