At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
