I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
