My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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