R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
