we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
