he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
