I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
