dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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