They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
