You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
