I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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