last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Randomize
