C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
