Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
