There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
