i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
