dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
