i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
