Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
